A Note from Nancy
Ugh. I strongly dislike writing the “about me” page. My life started out so typical but then I began making choices based on how little I thought of myself and how little worth I thought I had. This got me into some bad relationships and circumstances, especially five years in an emotionally and mentally abusive marriage with secrets galore that I had no idea about.
My struggle with depression began in my teens but I was incredibly unaware of how low my self-esteem was and how little self-respect and self-worth I had. I was suffocating at the hands of other peoples’ opinions and also at my own hands as I created what I THOUGHT were peoples’ opinions of me. I searched most desperately for validation and acceptance in the eyes of men. I made bad choices but to be honest, I didn’t believe I was worth more. Like I said, I ended up in a terrible marriage. When it finally came to a close, my first husband ended up in jail and I ended up on my own with my infant daughter. Afraid of my husband’s reaction to the end of the marriage, my family came one evening and quickly moved me out of the house and into my parents’ house. Four weeks later, I bought a new house which then had a huge house fire and I stayed at my parents’ for close to 9 months. Eventually, my Summer and I successfully moved out on our own. I struggled through 5 years of single motherhood and then met my stallion husband, Ted, and his three kids.
I’m up and down now but learning. Blending families is hard. Forgiving my past and people from it is hard. A daily battle with depression is hard. Believing God loves me, for some dumb reason, is hard. BUT I’ve been wiping the slate clean and trying to learn how God really feels about me…which is unbelievable. I’m learning that I have worth. I don’t need to berate myself and make choices that continue to beat me down. God thinks I’m worth more than that, so why can’t I?
As I started sharing my story and my struggles on social media, people were responding and I learned there are a lot of women out there in the same boat with me. So here I am. I need company in this boat, and so do you, in order to fully realize that we have worth regardless of circumstance, relationships, emotions, money, etc. Even the good about us doesn’t matter! We could be a bump on a log and God would think we were amazing! Not that I want to be a bump…
I feel God calling me to help women, like me, escape the guilt-ridden life and live a little freer knowing that God smiles on us…whether we are running a marathon or being an amazing mom, or we are locked in our room crying in bed or hiding in the closet debating whether living is worth it or not. Yep…I’ve done all of those things.
I want to help women to fight. Fight for the good that God is dying to give you…that He has and is giving you.
You’ll get weekly emails with my latest blog post. You can come here and hear what song I’m listening to this particular week to encourage me. Hopefully it can encourage you too. You can join me in studying a devotional and the Bible together. We can share our thoughts, discouragements and encouragements with each other.
And if there is one thing that I have learned since February is that I can pray for you. And I WILL. I don’t want to be someone who says that as a trite statement but doesn’t actually do it. I won’t say it if I won’t do it. So if you hear those words from me, know that I am on my knees that day FOR YOU.
I came to this place of starting a blog simply because I began sharing my own reflections and prayers online. I would share my heartache and struggles. I would try to be vulnerable because I got sick of social media being pictures of perfection. My life is not perfect. Far from it. I am not perfect. Far from it. And it is time people start saying that. It’s time we show our cracks. The response was overwhelming and so I began to be more deliberate in sharing exactly where I am, what I’m struggling with and how I’m getting through it with God by my side.
Since 2007, I have been caught up in someone’s vicious cycle of mental and emotional abuse but in the last two years I have been slowly getting set free. I’ve learned practical steps to do that and I’ve been trying to drown those things in prayer. I feel freer and lighter but it is always a battle. I want to share how I can help you…teach you what I’ve learned…help you feel freer and lighter.
We need to help each other find freedom from past relationships, hurt, divorce and the current struggles of believing you have worth and value, parenting, blending families, learning to trust people again. I daily have to choose to trust Ted and remember that he isn’t who my first husband was.
And I have to daily search for the gifts God gives me in depression…that’s right. Gifts. Don’t hate me for saying it. Let me help you. Let me help you see that there is worth in depression, too. If you can stop seeing it as worthless, it starts to have a meaning and then it isn’t something to hate anymore.
We are not garbage. We are not worthless. We aren’t hopeless. We are not unloveable. We aren’t. Walk with me. Come with me on this journey. Let’s find out what God says about us and then live based off of that. You might be surprised at what you find. And God knows I need the company along the way.
Join me in my boat, will you?