Oh, to hope even if things go wrong. I’m better at being directed by the fear of ‘what if”.
Small or big, I focus on the bad thing that COULD happen. When presented with a problem, I prefer to envision the catastrophic ending. I would assume I’m not the only one.
Two years ago my closest friend in the whole wide world lost her dad unexpectedly.
I had grown up in their care often and so when she reached out I was devastated for her. I’ve watched her navigate through whatever stages there are to navigate through for the last 24 months.
I’ve watched how she has handled it and often wondered how I would handle – how I WILL handle it – when it is my turn. Will I still believe that God is good? That He loves me still? That He has good things in mind? That He is in control?
I had another friend suddenly lose her dad and then a number of clients who went through the same thing.
I’ve watched a friend battle breast cancer the past year and a half, or another friend watch her 9 year old son battle cancer since he was the age of 3.
Even reading the news and hearing tragic stories…it gets my mind going down the path of ‘what if”.
What if my parent dies?
What if it was sudden with no chance to say goodbye?
What if my kids have to suffer something?
What if they leave this earth when it isn’t their turn yet?
What if I’m still here and they aren’t?
What if I walk the same road as my friend who walked around with her beautiful bald head?
With sores in her mouth?
With fears, day after day and worse, night after night?
What if I have to have that discussion with my husband about what he should do when I’m gone?
Or I read the story a few weeks back where a mother and her two daughters were killed in a car crash leaving the husband and father behind alone…I wonder what my faith would look like if that kind of scenario was in my future.
There are plenty of Christian poems and songs about “even if…still I will believe” or something along those lines. I don’t think I have the confidence to go that far out on a limb. I wish I could say for certain that I do.
Over the past two weeks though, I realized my creed would be “I hope ‘even if”.
Here are some of my own honest-to-goodness “I hope ‘even ifs’”. Some may seem shallow to you but you don’t know where the weight behind them comes from.
I hope even if I can’t run anymore…
I hope even if I can never work out again…
I hope even if I gain weight and become less mobile…
I hope even if my body starts to hurt and every day isn’t painless…
I hope even if I never carry another baby in my tummy…
I hope even if my baby leaves my arms for heaven before I’m there to greet her…
I hope even if my kids make unwise choices and go down roads I would not choose for them…
I hope even if my kids choose not to follow God…
I hope even if sadness is my friend until my last breath…
I hope even if money gets so tight that we must make some tough and humbling decisions…
I hope even if I must say goodbye to my sweet Ted first…
I hope even if I must suffer and fight a disease that is painful…
I hope even if I have a huge hole because my parents aren’t here to go to or count on… I hope even if…
I hope, even if these things happen, that I will remember that God loves me.
I hope, even if these things happen, that I will know He is the Giver of good things.
I hope, even if these things happen, that I will trust that the story will be beautiful.
I hope, even if.
This is so great, Nancy! Thanks for sharing.
oh my gosh…thanks for reaching out. You don’t know how much it means to me to get something back after putting my thoughts – scary ones – out there!