You know, I’m at a bit lost right now. Lost in the gray life.
I haven’t written a blog in a few weeks and I feel like I’m uninspired and nothing is speaking to me lately.
In the last 24 hours, 3 of my children have asked why our current government security status for Covid-19 is called ‘Gray’ – which is the worst one by the way. Somewhere along the lines it goes Orange (Okay), Red (Getting bad), and Gray (lockdown).
We explained what the gray life meant but each of them said that they didn’t understand why Red wasn’t the worst one. It just seemed like it was the most glaring of colors and it felt like that should hold the harshest restrictions.
I tried to explain that it’s the gray life because there is nothing to gray. It just is. It is blah. Nothing. Much resembling what you can do in your life right now. Nothing.
But maybe that’s not all. Maybe gray means more than that.
Maybe gray is a reflection of my head and my heart right now.
They just are. They are blah. Nothing.
Gray.
The gray life.
A series of gray days in a row is energy-sapping. Eventually you are just craving to have one day of sun to pump you full of life again.
I need a day of sun in Covid-19 right now.
Do you remember a few years ago, though, when those miners got trapped in the mine in Chile? There were 33 men trapped a half a mile underground for 69 days. 69. Let me spell it out so that it looks as long as it was. Sixty-nine.
That’s a long time in darkness. That’s a long time in gray.
I remember watching their rescue on tv. Each man came up to the surface wearing dark glasses because they hadn’t been exposed to light in 69 days. Their eyes were no longer used to light and it was a danger to be immediately exposed.
They had grown accustomed to the gray life.
I feel like I’m in a mine. I feel like I haven’t seen light in a really long time. For me, that light is friendship and social engagements.
We have been extremely strict this time because neither Ted nor I want to risk having to close down our businesses for 2 weeks. We had a couple of scares and so we decided it wasn’t worth the risk. We stay home. I literally only go to the grocery store.
We have been living the gray life.
However, a few days ago we got a new puppy – who is adorable, by the way. My friend, Amy, wanted to come see her so, with masks on, she came by to hold our little fluff ball.
As we sat there, though, after nearly 2 months with no face-to-face interaction, I felt awkward.
Something I had craved for so long now made me extremely uncomfortable. She asked me a few times how I was really doing and I answered her like I was talking to an acquaintance.
What the heck? I actually was aching for her to leave. She is one of my best friends in the whole wide world and I would do anything for her.
What was wrong with me? Have I grown accustomed to the gray life?
Today when I went running I bumped into an old friend who I know shares in my depression struggles. I expressed how I felt and he told me that I’m not the only one. He’s always been a crazy extrovert and now he was beginning to question if he had become an introvert.
He, too, feels most comfortable in his own home with no company now. He finds any interaction exhausting. It felt good to hear this actually. To know that I wasn’t alone.
We’ve been stuck in this mine
for a really long time.
Stuck in the gray life.
I can’t even remember the last time I saw a smiling face when I’m getting groceries, since everyone has a mask on. But one day, and hopefully soon, we will be rescued.
We will be brought up to the surface and back where the light is but it might take some adjusting. We might need to tread carefully. And that’s ok. It’s ok to feel awkward now and it will be okay to feel awkward when that day comes.
We will just need our dark glasses which I can only equate to prayer. Prayer will be my dark glasses that help me to readjust and let the light into my life again.
Interestingly enough, while the miners were trapped they maintained jobs and routines in order to keep up morale. We should do this too. It is crucial.
So I’m in the mine with Ted, Summer, Blake, Avery and Jaden. Those are my fellow miners.
My jobs and routines are going to be putting down my phone at times – don’t even have it within reach! – and engage in conversation. Play games. Bake with Summer. Take Avery driving. Engage in meaningful conversation with Ted instead of staring blankly at any type of screen whenever we are together.
I need to practice engaging with my mining buddies so I’m not completely rusty when the day comes to venture outside.
I need to keep reading my Bible, journaling,
writing in my gratitude journal, blasting worship music…
even on my most uninspired days.
Even in the gray life.
When I stop doing those things, I close the door on opportunity.
When I do them – even if completely forced – I leave the door open for God to sneak in and slip me handfuls of joy…for Him to give my life splashes of color.
So here we go. My first day of trying to make the most of the mine.
How are you? How are you coping? Are you accustomed to the gray life? What do you miss the most? Are you scared of regular life returning? Are you anxious? Who is in your mine with you right now?
Keep praying…keep those dark glasses close just in case. And keep forcing yourself to do the jobs and routines that will prepare you for the big world when you finally get to come to the surface.
As a side note, the miners were rewarded with trips to Disney World…maybe we will be too?
Love this, Nancy! I’m almost finished with a post that is the antithesis of this one — the glass half full view, I think. Glad you’ve got a lot of miners with you in this gray place and that you’re choosing ways to allow God to shine His radiant colors. Thank you for sharing!
was it the one you sent me or is it coming out this week?
This is so true Nancy. We’re in Ontario as well and the grey can be suffocating. I’m a grey haired lady who’s good with that, but at Christmas when we had grey zone, grey skies and grey hair it all felt gray, I had my bored daughter dye my hair brown, which turned out burgundy. Crazy but we had fun!
Your blog is beautiful and I love your ponderings and the miner comparison. Isn’t Flourish Writer’s wonderful? That is such a bright spot during this dull time and I love connecting with people and reading about what God is doing in their lives. May He bless you much!