In my previous life I did not like to miss out on things…previous life meaning, before I got married the first time.
For those of you that don’t know me personally, I was always a complete extrovert, loud, big social circle, the works. After my first marriage ended, I lost all confidence. I couldn’t have cared less if I would miss out on a social event or not.
Due to restraints put on me during my marriage, I had already begun losing my social circle, but afterwards it was completely over. I was so embarrassed, ashamed and insecure. It all just felt too hard.
I met Ted, my amazing current husband, on January 1, 2016 via text, but one week before that my dad sat me down and told me I needed to get out there and make friends. He pointed out that him and my mom had become my social life and that I can’t live my life like that. They loved me to death but they were worried that I was missing out on other opportunities and friendships.
I cried but took his words in and decided to give it a shot. Thankfully I did because, otherwise, I wouldn’t have this great guy to do life with and his 3 crazy kids. Talk about missing out!
BUT I would not say that I have conquered all of those social demons. I continue to not have the confidence to attend social gatherings – they are a huge source of stress to me, even when I know a lot of people.
I feel like Ted knows everyone in our small town and that is terrifying to me. He talks to EVERYONE. I find excuses to not necessarily see longtime friends. I can’t explain it but it is just collateral damage that I need to deal with.
Enter 2020 and the Coronavirus pandemic. I’m on day 13 of quarantine since returning from Florida. The world is shut down and technically there is nothing to miss out on. And everything was going fine and dandy until about 2 days ago when I could feel something was hurting…something was amiss.
I was hoping to catch up with a dear friend with a social-distance walk, but that couldn’t happen. My other good friend Facetime’s me but I’m used to spending the day with her, talking over puzzles.
I am missing friendship.
Desperately.
I realize that is the one area, alone, that I would truly
miss out on.
In my quiet time this morning, I was writing my prayer. Because we have not been able to buy anything but groceries, I wrote this line: “Thank You for the lesson that we don’t need very much…actually, more so, just friendship…communion, interaction, closeness.”
My eyes opened. It has been since at least 2012 that I have struggled socially and practiced much avoidance. My daughter, Summer, has been my safety net and my excuse. But I am broken today. The coronavirus has broken me. Maybe a good ‘broken’?
I am not a rock. I am not an island. I am not self-sufficient. Self-sustaining. I am not enough.
If I think I am, then that is when I will miss out.
I need people.
And all of this is beautiful and ok.
Please, Nancy, know that this is beautiful and ok.
I need my God. I need my community. I need my girlfriends. My Summer needs her girlfriends. I need to hug my neighbor. I need a walk with my best friend, shoulder to shoulder, so that it is close enough if one of us needs to cry on it.
I am lonely. And I don’t like doing life alone. Yes, I know I have Ted and Summer right now. And the other 3 cuties come home on Tuesday. But you can’t survive tucked in your cocoon. As much as I have thought I could…as much as I have tried to survive on my own, that is when I miss out. I need community.
We need community.
When the floodgates open, when doors open, when arms can finally open to each other, when we can walk on the same sidewalk together…when I can bring dinner to my neighbor who has been fighting cancer and not worry about giving her this other deadly virus…when I can muse over a puzzle with my dear friend…or run to hug my friend who came down on a surprise road trip…
When all of this becomes possible, may I not forget that these are the things I don’t want to miss out on.
May I not forget that I didn’t miss shopping, or work, or running my kids everywhere.
What I have missed desperately is community and the life that pumps through your blood when you get infused with friendship.
What have you missed out on during this pandemic? Was it a surprise? What gave you some satisfaction while you couldn’t have or do these things?
Good stuff here. I love how you say you are not enough and that’s a good thing. Gave me something to think about. ????
K
I always am lookng at tattoo ideas on pinterest and there is a common one where someone put “I am enough” on their wrist. that would destroy me. Cuz I am all too aware that I am not but i need to remove the pressure. I’m not supposed to be enough.