So my mom had a heart attack this week. Thank goodness she wasn’t alone, at least.
Yep, it’s been a tough week. Overwhelming.
I was massaging on Tuesday and came out to see a text from my dad that mom had gone to the hospital in an ambulance in a great amount of pain. It wasn’t until the next morning that we received the official result.
Heart attack. I was shocked. My mom was shocked. All of us still are. This happens to others, not to us, right?
I texted a couple of friends to let them know but I had to work that day, so I just kept plodding along. This was Wednesday.
That evening I had plans to see two of my girlfriends. We call ourselves the Divorced Women’s Club. We try to meet once a month but as the day went on, I didn’t feel like going.
While I was making supper, it all started to be too much. I fought hard to not cry while I cut veggies. Ted came in and asked me what time Summer had to go to youth group and my chin quivered as I answered the easy question.
I finally picked up my phone and texted the girls saying, “I really don’t want to come tonight…I’m feeling really down. I want to be alone.”
Jess quickly responded and said, “That’s exactly why you should come.” So I sighed and I went. When I got there, they both hugged me and let me cry.
You should know that as I type this, my mom is currently having an angiogram. Hopefully, answers come soon.
But last night, we had my dad over for dinner and while we were cleaning up after eating, he received a phone call from a man he hardly knows and who hardly knows him. The man had heard about my mom and wanted to know what they needed, even if just a meal.
I listened to my dad answer him and say that they were actually ok…that a lot of people had reached out and were praying and looking after them. He thanked him and said, “Maybe just pray. We can always use that.”
I sat there eavesdropping on this conversation.
You know, since 2012 I have been in isolation mode – long before ‘Covid’ and ‘social-distancing’ were a part of our daily vocabulary.
After a tough few years, my parents became my only social circle. I used to be crazy outgoing and an extrovert. I had a very active social life. Now I liked being alone.
Alone feels safer. Easier.
When your heart is tired, you can’t do what you used to.
maybe I had a different kind of heart attack.
I sat there listening to my dad turn away help because he already had way too much help. That’s a good problem.
After he hung up, he laughed and told us how many people had stepped up, even people they hardly knew. He talked of how their church community was stepping up in different ways – a community they’ve only been a part of for a little over a year.
My parents are surrounded. They are drowning in help right now. They have a group that meets every Friday and he has those people on stand-by right now, waiting to hear how my mom does today.
This is a wake up call for me.
Do I think I’m stronger than my parents? That I don’t/won’t need people?
My parents have gone through a bankruptcy.
My mom basically woke up to news that her mom had died suddenly from a stroke.
Maybe 6 years later, she woke up to the same shocking news that her dad had also passed suddenly.
My dad watched his mom die from cancer.
They watched their daughter, me, go through crazy heartache where I had to move in with them, with my infant daughter, in order to pull my life together.
My mom woke up last year to find out her brother was dead.
One of their best friends suddenly passed two years ago.
I could go on, but let’s just say that my parents are not unfamiliar with heartache. They’ve walked this road. Sometimes a tough road.
And they’ve relied on people to walk them through…maybe at times they’ve had their arms draped over those people’s shoulders, just so they could carry them down the road till they got their strength back again.
I’m on a road, too.
It’s already had its fair share of bumps, twists and turns. I didn’t walk those moments alone and I can’t imagine if I had had to.
I think, though, that Covid has served ‘isolation’ to me on a platter. At first, we actually weren’t allowed to see other people. That made the choice easy but now I think I’ve nested in isolation.
I’ve made it my home.
I have one couple – ONE – that I think to call on the weekends, and since Covid, I shy away from even that. I want to stay home at all times. I WANT to be alone.
I’ve stopped attending church even though services are happening now. We went to a service a few weeks ago and I quickly decided that, without the socializing aspect, there is no point in going.
It was an excuse. No question.
But my mom had a heart attack on Tuesday,
and my parents are surrounded by love and support this week,
so I’m going to rethink my
lonely approach to life now.
I don’t think being alone is good for me.
or you.
It is going to be sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hard. It is no longer my comfort zone. However, I think God hit the nail on the head in Genesis when He said, “It is not good for man to be alone.”
Nope, it isn’t. Can’t argue with Him there.
And I think my dad would say that, if there has been one beautiful thing this week, it is that he has not been alone. Not for one second.
Nancy, it is not good to be alone.
I will try to change my ways and take my God up on all he has put out there so that I don’t have to be. I will SEEK church community.
I will DARE to invite someone new into my life – maybe just a friend that I’ve kept at arms distance.
I will TRY to share some part of my life with people outside of my home, in real and tangible ways.
There are no streetlights on Life’s road…
I can’t see far ahead and know where my road is going.
But after watching my mom and dad this week,
I don’t want to be on my road alone.
How about you? Is anyone on your road with you? Who is walking with you? Who are you walking with? Do you need to take steps to have people around you? What can you do? Even in Covid?
Let me know…I could use some suggestions.
We need to have a tea sometime soon.. lots to chat about …
Is this Julia that went to Fairview Louth?
No:)
Wow…amazing words and thoughts. You are certainly making me think about my life and who is in my life. I used to have many people around me and once I had my daughter I’ve shyed away from everyone…seeming content to be alone. Thank you for these beautiful words and prayers for both your parents ❤️
I was led to your blog for this very post tonight! Single mom of an 18 year old struggling with no friends. It was the message I need to set goals in the new year to surround myself with people who will love me.