Do you struggle to know you are worth more than your weakness and insecurities?
On Sunday, Jaden woke up vomiting. He continued to not feel well all day, complaining of some pain in his stomach. He threw up a couple more times and at 7pm Ted took him to the hospital, suspecting it was his appendix.
Sure enough, he was right. By 11pm they had confirmed this diagnosis and were admitting him so he could have surgery the next day. It all went well and he is now recovering which is so good. He is sweet and a little trooper.
I think we’ve determined that he either has an extremely high tolerance for pain or he is not very expressive when he is in a great amount of pain. It’s one or the other.
Ted had taken him to the hospital while I stayed home with the other three, which was all fine and good. He slept over so Jaden wouldn’t be alone.
The next day when Ted was texting me, he informed me that he would be coming home when Jaden’s mom got to the hospital – they were taking turns.
The Covid rule is that only one parent can be with him at a time. Let me rephrase that. Only one of two parents can be with him at a time.
It probably doesn’t help that I went into this whole situation after a weekend of struggling with ‘stepmomma insecurity”. However, knowing that Jaden was lying in the hospital in pain was killing me.
I wanted to see him but I wasn’t allowed…because I wasn’t deemed a parent, right? This took me back in my mind to two years ago when Ted’s oldest, Avery, graduated from Grade 8.
First they had the actual graduation ceremony which was then immediately followed by a dinner for all of the grads, their parents and the school staff. The fine print? Only 2 parents. Yep, so after the ceremony I left and was not able to be a part of the dinner.
All day on Monday, as we waited for Jaden to get taken into surgery, Ted received updates and the kids received updates. Not me. After the surgery, Ted went straight to the hospital to see him as he came out. I couldn’t be there. I didn’t get to see him until he came home the next day.
I hate writing this because it sounds so selfish and ‘me’ centered. And I guess it is. However, if you are a stepparent maybe you understand a bit.
I love this boy. He has been in my life for five years now – since he was 8. He’s been in my life now constantly, just like a ‘real’ mom.
I have held him when he cried; I have had hard conversations with him; I have disciplined him, I have declared him my favorite kid to cook for because he loves it and he expresses it amazingly.
We’ve gone out for pie together – literally driving from place to place to find the best one – because we both love it.
This Sunday, I sat beside him on the couch at different times, taking his temperature and resting my hand on his forehead to try to soothe him.
Yes, he is a stepchild who I have had to learn to love, but he is my stepchild.
So to not be welcomed by his side when he is hurting…it was agony. I tanked. I hurt so badly but at the same time I felt stupid.
When I finally got to see him, I brought him a lemon meringue pie – his favorite – to devour when he felt ready. I hugged him and knelt by his bed. He pulled the blanket down to show me his bandages on his sweet tummy.
I held him a little longer when it was time to say goodbye and looked him square in the eyes as I told him I loved him.
Yes, he is a stepchild who I have had to learn to love, but he is my stepchild.
As I have tried to process this, it has been challenging.
Just this morning I woke up and as I sat quietly in the dark of the living room, the thought came to me, “It is ok, Nancy. This does not determine your worth. It doesn’t determine your worth as a person, as a mom, as a stepmom…”
A few years ago I was battling depression but couldn’t put my finger on it because I was obsessing about running. Nothing could get in the way of it – not a kid’s event at school, not someone asking me to help them, not anything. No one interrupted my run time.
When I would have a bad run, it would destroy me until I finally got a good run in. That summer, I had a strange feeling. I said to Ted, as we sat on the front porch, “God is going to ask me to stop running.”
He couldn’t understand where this was coming from but I insisted it was going to happen. That November, I got injured during a race and was sidelined for over three months.
When I finally had to stop and couldn’t literally run from my feelings, the depression came in like a tidal wave and I realized I had been depressed for a long time.
I was supposed to do a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that January and run in a Disney marathon. We made the trip but I sat and watched as others ran the course I dreamed of being on.
And then God started whispering to me…or maybe He had been whispering to me all along but I was too busy running to hear it. But now I could hear it.
“Nancy, running doesn’t define you. You are more than a runner. You are a child of God who simply loves running.
“But if one day, your running must be laid down for good, you will be okay because I will fill you with something else. I have so much to choose from! I will make sure you have what you need.
“You are not worth what your running says you are worth. You are worth what I say you are worth and if you never run another day in your life, you are still worth the world to me.”
I’m still working on it right now, at this moment, but I think God brought that memory back to me on purpose right now.
“Nancy, being a stepmom or being acknowledged as a stepmom doesn’t define you. You are more than a stepmom. You are a child of God who simply loves being a stepmom to these three kids.
You are not worth what hospitals say you are worth, you are not worth what schools say you are worth, you are not worth what any establishment says you are worth.
You are worth what I say you are worth and if you never get allowed into one single ‘parent-included’ event, you are still worth the world to me.”
And that’s all that matters. I’ve had a song on repeat all week called ‘The Blessing’. My favourite line is near the end when the female singer keeps singing ‘He is for you! He is for you!’
Amen, yes. He is FOR me.
So let me pull up my bootstraps and put these things back in perspective.
Being a child of God will forever be what defines me.
I must just keep learning to love these kids more and more because I’ve got to show them how amazing it is to be loved no matter what…just like God loves me.
Titles and activities and recognition don’t matter. Just loving does.
And only in God is my worth…And when it is in Him, I can’t lose it. I can never lose my worth. And neither can you.
What about you? Can you fill in the blanks? What would it say?
“(Your name), being a _________ doesn’t define you. You are more than a ______. You are a child of God who simply loves being a ______.
But if one day your _____ must be laid down for good, you will be okay because I will fill you with something else. I have so much to choose from! I will make sure you have what you need.
You are not worth what your ______ says you are worth. You are worth what I say you are worth and if you never ______ another day in your life, you are still worth the world to me.”
Amen.